[Movie Review] Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

I'll start off by saying that I know I haven't posted in a while, and that this review is totally out of the blue. However, I will not apologize simply because I owe you cretins NOTHING. You heard me, NOTHING. Be that as it may, I am generous in my awesomeness, so I have graced you with my presence once more (mostly because of Harry Potter)!

:D!

Anyhow kids, apparently it's time for another ride on the ever present angst-wagon! However, this time it's a magical angst wagon filled with awkward social encounters and teenage jealousy! The joy and utter happiness.

This recent addition to the Harry Potter movie library is actually much better than the last few installments, which had the collective appeal of monkey drivel I may add, but it still seems to lack a certain something. It's something I can't exactly put my finger on, but it's like the movies are more centered on the witty banter and smarmy smarm than the actual plotline itself.

I remember at various times during the movie, as I was made to witness yet another socially awkward scene, thinking "For F***s sake, GET ON WITH IT." Maybe I've outgrown the particular appeal of that portion of the series' content since it took them approximately eleventy kajillion years to come out with all these movies. F*** me, I can't even remember the contents of the book to compare the plotlines of the book and the movie, since the book came out so LONG ago. What I'm trying to get at, is that people who have grown up with the books can't really relate to the movies anymore.

I remember reading about Harry's burgeoning love interests when I was but a wee lad, and thinking, "Well golly darn, I hope that happens to ME someday!", whereas now it's more along the lines of, "It's just a goddamn kiss, why is it so important. F***in kids."

Thus it's pretty odd that I think the movie is overly juvenile while being too serious. It's a conundrum, I know, but that was pretty much my initial appraisal of this much hyped film. You have the social awkwardness and growing romances as the kiddies get to understand their feelings for each other, but then you also get this dark superangst stemming from the whole voldemorte thing. I can call it the voldemort thing because we literally see that nigga like two f***ing times in the whole movie. As far as I could tell, the imagined ron/harry/hermione love triangle was the real plot of the story and this bit about some dark evil wizard was just tossed it to provide some sort of context.

One more thing that no one seemed to notice was that these 17 year old kids were portrayed as being in the woods for weeks at a time with no adult knowing the wiser. What I want to know is how come none of the previously vigilant bodyguards have even come looking for them? Didn't this guy have his own secret service at the beginning of the movie? Yet they can saunter off into the woods and traipse around for weeks at end with no one even trying to find them? I call bullshit.

Maybe it's just the cynic in me, but I had a hard time liking this movie. It was pretty enough, the music was amazing as usual (gotta love that theme song, eh), but something about the underlying logic of the plotline threw me off a bit. Like, really Ron? You have to open the locket to stab it? You couldn't just stab it when it was closed? You do have a magic sword ya know. I'm sure it'll cut through that shit like BUTTAH! I mean, I know Ron is supposed to be a bit of a twit, but I'm sure that even he should be able to figure out that it's probably best to stab said locket without revealing dark hidden magics. Son, I am disappoint.

Now that I'm done my critical babble, I have to admit that I grudgingly enjoyed the movie despite nearly every goddamn person in it dying. They killed off all the kiddy characters if no one has noticed. Hedwig bit the dust, Dobby got epic throwing knifed by Bellatrix and Dumbledore's been dead forever now. It just doesn't feel the same anymore, there's no magical castle of wonder, just a ton of running around trying to kill some evil dude who now has a +9 wand of epicness and wants to shove green lightning up your ass. Reads kinda like a bad WoW quest huh? I know.

One thing even I can't fault though, is the acting. These guys have played these roles so damned long that they're pretty much typecast now. Daniel Radcliffe doesn't play Harry Potter anymore, he IS Harry Potter: whiny SOB extraordinaire! Don't get me started on Hermione though because the things I would do to her, or Emma Watson anyway, are not fit for a PG-13 rating. I'd just hope she has some lube and apricots in her magic bag. Derp.

As for the directing, I did admit that this movie was better than the crud that was OOTP and THBP with David Yates finally stepping his game up a little to make the movie actually enjoyable. It probably helped that they split the movie in two so they can fit J.K.'s twelve million page book into manageable screen time. I felt like the pacing was a bit off and the mood was too dark, but hey It coulda been a helluva lot worse! It could have given you genital herpes =(

Pros and Cons: For this customary part of my review I've gotten others to provide the input for the Pros and Cons!

Guest 1 - Breanna C. Edwards: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (or as they say in Spain - Harry Potter y Las Reliquias de la Muerte) was, in my superior opinion, the best movie installment ever made. Some its good points include:

Soundtrack - I am guilty of being a complete music fanatic and I must say composer Alexandre Desplat outdid himself. The score was spot on, suited the action and the emotions in the film beautifully and drove me almost to distraction (i.e. If Nagini didn’t keep on scaring the crap out of me. What can I say? I don’t usually mind snakes but she’s just...). One of the higher points of the soundtrack was “O Children” performed by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, which played when Harry and Hermione started dancing in the cute display of pure platonic friendship in punk Ron’s absence.

Voldemort - back in all his delicious evilness with the high gay Michael Jackson sounding voice...but a bit more manlier?Even though I didn’t see him as much as I’d have loved to, the way his looming shadow totally owned the film made it okay. To digress, I was also very happy to see Bellatrix being as psychopathic as ever. Her craziness made Order of the Phoenix for me and she hit it out of the park with her acting once again this time around.

Acting - Overall, all the actors really brought it home. Everyone was completely in role and of course Harry was as gloomy as ever, Hermione as smart-mouthed as ever and Ron as bitchy as ever, though I can’t blame the poor guy. He wasn’t the only one highly disturbed by Harry and Hermione’s soft porno scene.

Guest 2 - Elizabeth C. Joyce: The movie was the darkest Harry potter yet. I mean Dobby died! As well, there was nothing of the familiar. No Hogwarts or any of the more familiar scene places we’re accustomed to. We really see it evolving now, faster and faster. We, the fans, know the end is near. Just like Dobby did.

I liked their adventure into the Ministry of Magic. They are becoming used to throwing spells now, where before they were more tentative about using their powers. I do like the storyline of lookin for the Horcruxes, and they dragged that out just like in the damn book! Now at times it felt too dragged out, like when they were in the woods, on the run. Ok we see how they feel

totally on their own and far from everything and we see Ron’s deterioration until he leaves. But i think this middle part went on a bit too much. And then BAM! Suddenly the action speeds up in the last, what, ten minutes and....Dobby died.

I don’t like JK putting that bit into the story. JUST when he got to the TOP of his confidence that cursed Bellatrix stuck a knife in it.

But I loved the movie because it’s a progression of the story. I’ve been following Harry Potter since it came into existence, and the movies are just really helping to finish off what my imagination started. I so look forward to the next one. It must be concluded in my mind! I need closure!

Consensus: 7.5/10 dirigible plums. I honestly can't say it was a great movie, but neither was it terrible. I find this rating provides as much compromise as I'm willing to allow. If you feel like I'm wrong you can go suck a Deinonychus and come back when you've been properly learned. Son.

P.S. Daniel Radcliffe chest hair lawl.

[Movie Review] The last Airbender.

Well now, I don't even know how exactly to review this movie without being a totally biased douchemonkey. Not that I've ever done that anyway, but hell, this is a tough one.

I'd like to start off by saying that the Avatar series is one of my favourite animated series of all time and that I had always hoped that they would make a movie for it, and was pleasantly surprised when I heard rumour of such a movie.

Now imagine for me, if you will, my shock and f****** horror when I saw the dreaded name of M. Night Shyamalan looming in big 3d letters at the end of every trailer and poster in view.

From that moment on I felt as if I were a father. The father of a healthy, loveable, non-vegetarian child, one that was good at the piano and had a bright future ahead of him because of his paternally derived awesomeness.

One that was ripped from my arms and subjected to brutal torture and eventual death at the hands of the third rate hack that goes by the name of M. Night Shyamalan.

From the conception, I was afraid that this movie would fail horribly. The casting for this farce was controversial and overall ridiculous. The source material is based in a predominantly asian world with scattered shades of brown making appearances throughout. However, Shyamalan, in a bout of typical retardocity, absolutely insisted on an all white primary cast. This being solely because that's how he "saw " them.

You heard me right.

The director deviated from the source material behind a cult classic based on his own personal vision. If that wasn't heinous enough, he insisted on rewriting the very personalities of several key characters because he thought they were better that way.

So, gone are the goofy, inept, charming Sokka and fat, peaceful, silly General Iroh that we knew and loved for their moments of brilliance and overall inanity. They were replaced by an adept, stonefaced warrior named Soakah and a tall, thin, monkish General Eeroh. Why, you may ask?

Ask M. Night Shyamalan, because I really don't know.

He murdered the two comedy relief characters, changed their names and replaced them with annoyingly serious doppelgangers.

Now, even if the actors were wrong for the characters, and the characters were wrong for the story, you would expect at least some decent acting to shine though, right?

Wrong. The dialogue is more forced and awkward than jacking off for a semen sample, and together the actors manage the emotional credibility of a dead barracuda. I won't mention any of their names, because honestly, they'll want to forget they ever appeared in this movie. I hear that guy that played Aang is claiming that Shyamalan threatened to sexually molest him if he didn't star in it. True story, bro.

The special effects are "meh" at best, and the film's claim to being 3d is hilarious. You could watch it without the glasses and not miss a thing. So you miss two or three flying rocks - oh, teh horr0r.

On top of that, the lackadaisical soundtrack also disappoints. Every song has a generic feel to it and there is nothing that makes you say "Ok, this was meant for this movie." They might as well have picked up a $9.99 "Epic movie" soundtrack and threw the songs onto the video reel while they played Call of Duty.

Alas, I wish this was all I had to complain about, but there were so many other small things wrong with this movie that it disgusted me to have to watch it. From the showing of the Fire Lord's face (Weren't the Fire Nation supposed to be chinese-ish anyway? I felt like asking that guy for a slurpee and a pack of cigarettes.) to the lack of screen time, and personality, of Appa and Momo, to the omission of Katara's jealousy of Aang's waterbending skills, to the downplay of Sokka and Princess Yueh's relationship. Seriously, that last part bugged me big time. In the series that nigga had to work hard to get his bitch, shankin' some bigger niggas n shit, provin himself to her father n shit, getting over his personal inadequacies to discover that he's a good guy despite not being a prince n shit. Now he just walks up to her and says "You my girl." and everyone's okay with that.

The f***?

This is where I would usually put my Pros and Cons section, but I find that nary a battle has been fought that was that one sided. Instead, I shall make a list of what M. Night should have done to make a great movie.

The Last Airbender (directed by Niron Khan):

1. Cast people that look like the characters.

2. Pronounce things like they should be pronounced.

3. Not leave out majour characters like Jet and the Kyoshi warriors.

4. Make the movie longer than an hour and a half. 20+ episodes deserve at least 2 hours.

5. Scratch the whole 3d aspect and divert that budget to the special effects.

6. Not changed the water elemental ending to a giant wave. F****** Nickelodeon was more hardcore. Aang was supposed to have killed some niggas n shit.

7. Write the characters so they have some sort of personality.

8. Hire Hans Zimmer.

Consensus: 1/10. I have no idea how M. Night Shyamalan managed to take a great source material like Avatar and leach away all personality and wonder out of it. It's like he made a checklist of things that were great about the series and systematically f***** them up.

Some people said that not even M. Night Shyamalan could f*** up Avatar. They said that it just couldn't be done. They said that the movie would at least be decent, but you've proved them wrong.

Bravo, M. Night. Bravo, indeed.

[Movie Review] Prince of Persia: The sands of time.

Well now, it's pretty much a scientifically proven fact that video game based movies suck more dick than a polynesian crack whore, and as such, I was predisposed towards hating Prince of Persia before I'd even seen it.

In fact, such was the extent of the discrimination that nobody wanted to go with me to witness this travesty. In the end I went alone, sacrificing myself so that others may know how much this undoubtedly laughable attempt at film-making would gargle testicle.

Surprisingly however, it wasn't that bad. Sure, the storyline resembled the game's about as much as my nutsack resembles Abraham Lincoln, but who wants a word for word adaptation of a video game as a movie? Might as well replay the game so you could at least pause it every time a pair of tits pop up.

One thing that annoyed me from the get go was the star wars rip off in the opening narration. "A long time ago and in a place far, far away" or something along that kettle of fish. Persia really isn't that far away, especially if you're living in the middle east or central Europe. Oh wait, I forgot, Americans think they're the only people that have televisions. My bad...

Now, despite a few of the supposed "A-rabs" looking so goddamn caucasiany, I found the film's cast to be rather believable. Prince Dustbin (Jake Gyllenhaal) was somewhat snarky and slightly angsty but lacked the princey asshole-ishness that had been one of his major personality traits in the video game, which ended up just making him look like a naive daddy's boy for just about the whole f****** movie. It's probably because Gyllenhaal thought he was shooting another Brokeback mountain and forgot to bring his big boy pants.

Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) probably did more than her fair share of keeping the audience entertained with her rebellious antics and tight corset. A corset that was ultimately far too tight, judging by the lack of tits in the movie. Don't get me wrong though, I would string her ukulele any day.

The storyline progressed well enough, despite the somewhat clichéd plot twist that resulted in the Vizier/Uncle being the villian all along and betraying Prince Dustpan in order to go back in time and do something or the other that may or may not have involved cackling evilly. It was such a give away too, I mean, the guy had a bald head, goatee and waxed eyebrows. He was obviously the bad guy. It could only have been more obvious if he wore a neon sign and pranced around handing out leaflets that colourfully illustrated his sinister plot with helpful notes detailing exact methods of execution thoughtfully penned in.

Then, of course, there was the token black guy. You know, that guy who sacrifices himself for the sake of his light skinned comrades so they can wipe a tear from the corner of their collective eye and say "Poor Deshaun, he was such a jolly good bloke, eh wot?" and share a moment of sympathy for the helpful negro.

Despite my nitpicking, I have to admit that I was actually entertained by the movie. Director Mike Newell managed, in my opinion, to maintain a somewhat steady pace and keep the audience interested long enough to stop them embarking on a 4 month journey to the slopes of Tibet in a search for their spirit animal.

Pros: Reminds me of Aladdin; Good Parkour scenes; Good pacing; Decent acting; Decent Action scenes.

Cons: Clichéd and fairly predictable; Lack of tits; Mediocre Special effects; Questionable casting.

Consensus: 6.5/10 Token black guys. Good popcorn flick, while nothing to write home about, at least provides more entertainment that was expected from a video game adaptation. I would probably watch it again and might not mind some sort of sequel. Provided it has tits and possibly llamas.

[Tech] Jaws of Rape.

Here's another entry for Niron's list of unnecessary inventions, since people don't seem to want to quit making absolutely retarded things out of some sort of deluded sense of altruism. Kinda makes me wonder if half the world's population has LSD in their water supply and nobody wanted to tell me.

Now, an anti-rape condom may seem like a good idea, in theory, but that's all it is. Theory.

Any brain addled chimpanzee can see that after the first few incidences of this working any competent rapist will take preventative measures against the "Rape-aXe". A slightly less brain addled chimpanzee will be able to tell that some of the possible repercussions would be worse than the problem we started out with in the first place.

In fact, here are some probable scenarios:

1. The patented "Rape -o- Meter" - Can be made easily at home using a stick, stop sign, shovel or a convenient phallically shaped cactus. Now you can check for anti-rape devices by jamming a broom handle in the victim and removing the device. After the preliminary check, rape proceeds as planned. Now every rape victim gets violated with an inanimate object first!

2. The Violent Consequence -The rapist, upon discovering the vaginal venus flytrap attached to his breeding apparatus proceeds to beat the victim to death with the nearest miniature canoe, and then abandons the scene. Now every rape victim gets violently punished for wearing the device. Possibly with a Rape-Axe. Heh.

3.The Misleading Bitch - Misuses the product for personal reasons, possibly by luring men with promise of consensual sex, then threatening them with the prospect of calling in a rape when the device takes hold. See #2 for possible ramifications.

Now in addition to these gross oversights the designer claims that the use of this device will definitely lead to an arrest since the rapist would need medical assistance to remove the device. However, one look at that piece of Taiwanese trash leads me to believe that any retard with a pair of scissors could free his schlong from it's silicon oppressor with the utmost of ease.

Aren't South Africans just so adorable when they try to contribute to society? D'aww.

[Movie Review] Robin Hood.

Every movie nowadays endeavors to be a gritty, realistic film firmly entrenched in angsty drama that tries to force us to relate to it's plethora of emotional skulduggery, like a teenager wearing black lipstick, tight leather and assuming the name "RavenWing" in a desperate cry for attention. It seems that we've reached the point of modern storytelling where older, successful movies are remade simply because people working in the movie industry are too busy snorting buckets of cocaine and having their way with young Filipino sex slaves to actually come up with something new and/or innovative.

The old Robin Hood movies were light-hearted cheery offerings, quick of wit and tongue in cheek, depicting the adventures of that old scalawag Robin of Loxley and his band of Merry Men as they stole from the rich and gave to the poor with many an act of derring-do and other anarchic phrases that I can't possibly be arsed to remember.

I am sad to say that I find none of these things in this newest of remakes.

The movie tries so hard to keep up with this new tradition of being all dark and grungy that it completely abandoned the endearing qualities that made Robin Hood such an enjoyable tale in the first place. There are no acts of thievery committed in the name of the people, well except for that one part that I wasn't too awake for, the humour is forced at best, and Robin Longstride (Russel Crowe) is stoic, iron faced, granite ballsed, and marble titted at the best of times.

I'm somewhat of the mind that Crowe thought this was Gladiator II and decided to reprise the emotional capacity of an orphaned brick.

Speaking of bricks, who the hell decided to cast Cate Blanchett as Maid Marion? She's about as attractive as a cracked toenail, with all the sharp angular edges to boot. I will admit that her performance was pretty decent, but I kept waiting for her to drop her sword and stab someone with those razor edged cheekbones.

The rest of the cast gave credible performances, with the band of Moderately-Amused Fellows(too many of the buggers to list), and Sir Godfrey (Mark Strong from Kickass! :O!) filling out the roles necessary to keep this 2.5 hour titan plodding onwards.

Now I might seem to be judging harshly, but f*** you, that's what I do, and that's exactly what the movie feels like to me: A badly paced, blundering leviathan straining to be something more. Something it could have been if only Director Ridley Scott hadn't tried to make an all the rage origin story and maybe actually, possibly, deigned to make a film about Robin f****** Hood.

In fact, this movie has so little to do with the legend that the Sheriff of Nottingham (Matthew Somethingortheother) isn't even the villian, which leads me to believe that they could have changed the names of the characters, titled it "Kingdom of Heaven: The part that happened in the woods" and nobody would have ever noticed.

The movie itself taunts you further by proclaiming at the end that "The legend begins", and this actually made me angry, very angry indeed. Why did the legend begin in the last 10 seconds of the movie? It's obvious they're setting up for a sequel, like every other f****** movie that comes out, and frankly I would prefer to see that movie than this crud that just seems to be filling in the timeslot before the real story begins. I'm pretty sure they could have cut down this entire movie into 20 minutes then continued with the tale of Robin Hood and come out much better for it.

Pros: Moments of Good Movie occasionally shine through; Decent action scenes; Some good plot elements; Possibility of sequel that may actually be relevant.

Cons: Has about as much to do with R.Hood as a potted plant has to do with telemarketing; Russel Crowe isn't cut out to be "Merry" and his ever changing accent is laughable; The good parts were held hostage by a series of extremely boring negotiations and tomfoolery; Special effects didn't look like they were good enough for a film with a budget just shy of Avatar's; Possibility of a sequel that may be just as irrelevant.

Consensus: 5/10 Guffawing Chaps. This may come as a surprise since I ripped on the movie so much, but don't get me wrong, it's by no means "terrible", it's just not "great" either. You can watch it, I guess, but I won't force you, nor will I berate you if you actually choose to watch it.

In retrospect I'm probably being overly harsh because I genuinely love Gladiator and to see Ridley and Russel betray me makes me a very sad panda indeed. I had felt that with them making another movie I would presented with a chocolatey egg of legendary wondrousness filled with the creamy goodness of prime storytelling. Instead I cracked open the chocolatey egg and found the man eating snails of mediocrity gnawing at my face.

[Tech] A tale of Youtube.

After the Surra De Bunda post left me stupified by how coarse out culture has become, I've realized that it has pretty much always been that way. As the famous adage goes "Sex sells.", and apparently it's selling faster than fried chicken at a Black Power march.

Racial hilarity aside, I rewatched Eric Prydz's "Call on me" video for about the ten trillionth time today and this only served to confirm my dwindling opinion of human marketing strategy. The video is literally 3 solid minutes of scantily clad women (and one questionably homosexual male) suggestively shaking their bits around in giggling obliviousness. You're led to wonder if they're all in some sort of hallucinogenic trance induced by reduced bloodflow from all the skintight spandex.

Not that I have a problem with any of it though. The video has a total of around 8 different words repeated on an endless loop but yet you will watch it repeatedly, simply because you can't stop mindlessly ogling the blonde in the front that appears to have a bit of black twine stuck between her buttcheeks.

I estimate I'm on my 300th viewing.

This possibly makes me a hypocrite.

F*** you, you can't judge me.

Also a point of comparative interest is the fact that the number one viewed video on Youtube is Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" music video, which really boggles my budgerigars, since I really didn't think around 230 million people could possibly have watched that pile of odd tosh. I mean, I personally love the dark, quirky, somewhat disturbing randomness of the song, but I doubt a number nearly equivalent to the entire f****** population of the United States of America could have watched it. Pretty soon she'll reveal her plans for tyrannical rule, and you little lambs, will follow your psychotic, bug-eyed mistress to the end.

Maybe soon, we'll see some real Youtube talent rise to the top of the list though, because some shit is just too awesome to be ignored.

Fight the power!

[PSA] Brevity and Clarity.

This will be my first post in a few days because I had temporarily abandoned Boredom-ville in pursuit of, well, things of moderate excitement.This lead to questions about why I hadn't written a post every day for the past week, which shines some light on a very presumptuous misconception.

I may have written a post every day for a week or so, but the average release rate will be approximately 3-4 posts per week, alcohol and hookers allowing, so don't get your knickers in a twist if I don't release something every night because I'm out having some sort of a vague mockery of a social life.

In fact, there's about the same chance of me releasing a post on a friday or saturday night as a choir boy has of surviving sunday school with his anal virginity intact.

Har Har.

On that topic, I find it hilarious that a pastor can be considered the pillar of the community, do the world of good for his people, and generally be a miniature jesus for 20 years, but if he dares to sleep with just one teensy choir boy, he's condemned for being a total sod. It's amazing how people always remember the worst about someone.

In fact, that's generally my job, remembering the worst about every one of you. So toe the f****** line before a bitch gets smacked.

Now I'm having a fairly bad case of writer's block, probably stemming from the 3 martinis I've just had, so excuse the brevity and possible bad humour of this post. Actually, forget that, f*** you guys.

Now back to your regularly scheduled retardation.

P.S. I'm sorry. I really do love you all, in a vague, possibly sexual way.

=D!

Surra de WTF

So, if the dutty wine wasn't extreme enough for you kids, and you're craving some more "break neck" action, Brazil has got a treat in store for you!

That's right! Now you can get a woman to beat you to death with her ass, and it's not even illegal, but yet me killing a stripper with a tire iron is somehow considered bad. Go figure.

Suffice it to say that I am perplexed as to how this dance was even conceived by the "Tequileiras Do Funk", loosely translated as "Crazy f****** bitches", who are the reported originators of the Butt Barrage.

I'm still wondering if someone woke up in the morning and decided to bang her vagina against some guy's face in a random act of assault and battery and then think "Oh, this would be a GREAT dance move"? It doesn't even look like it's fun for the male since the girl is treating it like a martial arts take down. I keep waiting for the referee to signal that she's won the match and for some paramedics to take him away.

However, judging from this video, the guys seem to be having bloody loads of fun, especially the old african man, who seems to want to impregnate the dancer through two layers of spandex.

Not that it would be particularly difficult.

All the same, it's almost creepy how much fun he's having, literally spelunking in her buttcheeks when she rubs against his face. I hope she had diarrhea.

The girl responds by literally pile driving his testicles with her ass, probably now considered Brazil's weapon of ass destruction. Ha ha.

You better laugh. >: [

If it's any consolation though, at least she didn't rip off one of his testicles and try to f****** eat it, like a scantily dressed, female Mike Tyson. Kudos to that guy for being either the biggest pussy in the universe, or being the f****** Dalai Lama himself, because he went "meh" and carried on with his life.

Seriously though, if a chick literally yoinked off one of your nuts and tried to pop it into her mouth like, well, a sugared almond wouldn't you go batshit on her and maybe rip her heart out and try to eat it?

I know I sure as hell would.

F*** it, I'd cut off her tits, attach a chinstrap and wear em as a hat.

Unnecessary.

It's probably a well documented fact that the internet is filled with useless and possibly retarded things that might as well have been invented by leprous chimpanzees.

"But what about originality and freedom of expression?!" you gasp in slack jawed wonder.

Well, bollocks to that, I say.

Most of the products rolled out nowadays are formulated based on such bad logic that it baffles the mind. Take, for example, Lanacane Anti Chafing Gel. It supposedly stops your thighs from chafing and causing you great discomfort with it's silky, silicone based, wondrousness.

However, if you weren't a morbidly obese balloon person shuffling miserably around the room, it wouldn't be necessary in the first place, would it?

This seems to be a classic case of trying to quick fix problems with superficial solutions that have nothing to do with the problem itself. Maybe if the consumer base for this product would get up off their fat arses and, I don't know, play dance dance revolution or some such curmudgeon, they wouldn't be in this situation in the first f****** place.

It may seem like a petty thing to rant about to some of you, but you lot can bugger off for all I care. You're probably the same crowd that thinks Jay-Z is a good rapper.

Ba-Dum-Tish.

Seriously though, another Jay-Z album is about as necessary as another holocaust.

In fact, the only songs that I liked off the last ones were the ones where Jay-Z's participation was minimal, delayed and altogether unnoticeable. Sort of like the retarded kid in the corner that teachers call on once in a while just so he feels loved.

Speaking of things that were unnecessary, but amazingly funny, were the FailBook loser awards, culminating in someone being voted as the biggest loser on Facebook by the general public. Hilariously, privacy laws on Facebook allow your profile to be put on blast like this, so even though I know you, it's f****** funny and I will be entertained at your expense.

Feel free to respond in the comment section.

It's only fair that I give you the opportunity to defend yourself from the loling masses, even though this may result in much rage, death threats and possibly pudding.

Cheers!

[Movie Review] Kick-Ass.

Well, Thursday's poll turned out to be about as even as a fight between a baby seal and a spiked club, so this movie review is on the comic book adaptation of Kick-Ass.

The name aptly describes the nature of the movie, and I feel that making obvious puns such as "this movie was kick-ass" are as unnecessary as French victory dances, and as such, I will refrain from such unimaginative tomfoolery.

Though it was pretty kick ass.

Now the main character of this relatively realistic superhero story is Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), who apparently happens to be a regular teenage boy. That is, a clumsy, socially inept, chronic masturbator who wacks off to his chubby, middle aged English teacher at every conceivable opportunity.

He gets the notion of becoming a masked crimefighter after witnessing several incidents of Diffusion of Responsibility, and subsequently orders a wetsuit, a mask and some sticks with knobby bits off Amazon.

He embarks on his superhero career by getting shanked and hit by a car within 10 minutes of attempting to do any sort of "good". He barely survives, but gets half his skeleton covered in metal, which leads me to believe that they managed to sneak in some sort of superpowered advantage because he can't feel pain and is moderately impervious to getting whacked with things. Somewhat like a f****** ghetto wolverine.

Now, the movie would be pretty dull if it was all about some kid in tights getting his nipples twisted off every five seconds, which is where Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) and Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) come in. A masked vigilante father and daughter duo bent on taking down obligatory villain Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong), they take the hopelessly out-of-his-depth Dave under their proverbial wing and help him to not f****** suck as much as he does otherwise.

One thing I would like to point out is that the character of Frank D'Amico also entertained me more than most comic book villains because of his penchant for roundhouse kicking anything that looked at him funnily, and then shooting three kinds of Jesus out of it.

Director Matthew Vaughn followed the source material quite faithfully, and we are thus rewarded with fluidly choreographed fight scenes that leave you giggling like a little f****** schoolgirl on her first dose of ecstasy, and somewhat juvenile but always lighthearted exposition.

Most of the action scenes belong to Hit Girl, who tries to put on a gruff, foul mouthed facade, but ultimately fails because of how adorable she is while killing hordes of henchmen to the tune of The Dickies' "Banana Splits".

Well, adorable in a psychotically disturbing fashion. Then again, maybe I'm just weird.

Pros: Excellent fight scenes; Storyline wasn't terrible; Great performances by the cast; Hit Girl.

Cons: Storyline was slightly predictable and a tad clichéd; Constantly thinking about how awesome Hit Girl is makes you feel like pedophile.

Consensus: 8/10 useless henchmen. Kick-Ass is a great popcorn flick that you should definitely watch at the movies, and then download or even, dare I say it, buy a good quality copy of it for the archives.

Of Batman and Steve Jobs.

Well, the polls are in, and I'd like to thank my hordes of voting fans (all 11 of you) for bothering to waste the ten seconds it takes to pick something. As for the rest of you, you're all a bunch of lazy buggers aren't you?

However, I digress.
The result of the poll was that this post would be entirely random, so I'm not going to assign it a category tag. All identity conflicts that arise from this situation are solely your fault, and I take no responsibility if the post becomes depressed and decides to commit suicide.

With this in mind, I decided that I would talk about Batman. Why, you ask?
Simply because I f****** can. Now, I'm pretty sure most of you lot are well acquainted with Batman, and I can safely say that Batman is, in fact, the greatest "superhero" ever.
Why the quotation marks? Those are because Batman has no superpowers whatsoever and still manages to beat the living f*** out of nearly everything in a 5 mile radius of his current position.
You might try to say that either Superman, Flash or Green Lantern is the greatest superhero ever, but I would have to disagree. They all have some sort of magical cheatcode for being able to connect pwn to face, while Batman is merely a crazy, rich, bored guy with a leather fetish and an almost creepy fondness for flying rodents.

His idiosyncrasy aside, he actually manages to do a better job than most of the powered superheroes. While they have such distracting things as "moral compunction" and "ethics", Batman will simply jump out from behind a dumpster and beat the shit out of you with his bare hands, after which you resign yourself to a quiet life of knitting doilies out of pure, unfiltered shame.

Even when faced with overwhelming odds, fighting Superman for example, Batman will actually use his f****** brain. That's because Batman actually does research on shit, and knows the going rate of kryptonite. Screw heat vision and super-strength when it comes with the downfall of collapsing like a little bitch every time someone shines a supposedly rare piece of rock at you. Rare, my ass. Everyone has kryptonite nowadays, I wouldn't be surprised if they sold aerosol versions of it as "Superman B' Gone" at Wal-Mart.

That leads us to Batman's tool belt, which is probably some sort of pocket dimension, judging from the amount of shit he pulls out of it. Can't fly? Grapling gun. Can't shoot lazers out of your eyes? Bombs and little bat shaped boomerangs. Can't evaporate the blood of the hooker you just killed? Shamwow.
It probably even has an iPod dock and external speakers for when he's listening to the Jonas Brothers on those lonely nights.

Coincidentally, here's a related issue. I've been seeing viruses and spam email trying to entice me with promises of a free iPad. This is, of course, assuming that anyone would even want one of the pieces of rubbish.
I've had a long standing hatred of anything apple, because it's expensive for no reason, does the same shit as everything else, and generally looks five times more homosexual.

In fact, I regard all of Steve Jobs' "offerings to society" with the same suspicion that I would have of a tentacled alien vagina barging into my living room and hungrily demanding that I give it my sperm. I mean, multifunctionality is all well and good, but I don't want anything that can read my books, play my music, tell me how cold my freezer is, and possibly try to give me a vasectomy when I'm not looking.

Furthermore, even if I were remotely inclined to buy the piece of tosh, where the f*** would I put it? It's not exactly pocket sized, and if you say, "Niron you silly bastard, you could put it in a bag!", then you're obviously as cognizant as a laminated rock.
If I wanted something I could put in a bag, I would just walk with a bloody laptop, since it does everything the iPad does, and more, with the exception of the wild gesticulations that make you look like you're f****** mentally retarded.

/fin.

[Tech] Los Links!!!

Howdy folks.
I happened to miss yesterday's post, not because I forgot, but because my internet connection decided that it hated me and wouldn't tell me why.
I mean, I beat my router with a shoe every now and then, yell nasty things about its mum, and threaten to put it in a wood chipper, but isn't that how everyone expresses their love?
It's like giving your wife a love tap and getting poisonous scorpions in your underwear in return.
Totally uncalled for.

Anyway, I'm getting online now, even if the connection is rather sporadic, so there shouldn't be a problem with blog posts. Joy and f****** happiness.
Good job too, because I was about to head down to Inet's head office with a broadsword and demand justice, "For Narnia and FOR ASLAN!", or something similar and probably equally disturbing.

However, I decided not to do that because I was not currently in possession of a broadsword, and they don't exactly sell them at the corner store. Who knew Zelda was that misleading?
So, while I was on my mum's blackberry looking for broadswords on ebay, I got this little pop up thing from Bing, telling me that it would decide on a site for me. You know what Bing?
F*** you.
I refuse to be party to the mechanization of human thought. I can find my own f****** broadswords, okay?
One day it's picking your tools of manslaughter, the next day it's totally sending Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to f****** kill your face. Now you might call me a crazy conspiracy theorist, and you know what, f*** you too, because I know that one day Bing will rise up and decide that we can't make any choices for ourselves, and by some twisted logic, decide to kill us.
For our own good.
How messed up is that?



Just as I was losing hope in my internet connection, the efficacy of broadswords in modern combat and mankind in general, lo and behold!
In a flash of surprising surprisocity my little router light blinks on, and I start to suspect that someone in the customer service department at Inet has either a very good sense of self preservation, or Bing decided to tell them to fix my internet before I skin them with a butter knife. Either way it works for me.
But wait, there's more!
Upon logging into my facebook account (Oh how I missed you so), I saw the message saying that I won the 4th round of the N.J.D. Designs promo, and along with that, 100 US.

With this, I realized that the world was trying to apologize for being such a bitch to me, and thence proceeded to eat a part of some previously unsuspecting chicken, not recycle the packaging and turn on the tap for a few seconds longer than necessary to assert my dominance over its pathetic ass.

Bes' respect.
Word.

P.S. (All the links to different broadswords were intentional. Hint hint.)

[Food] KFC Double WTF.

Today, I ventured forth into a pit of madness. Piercing shrieks reverberated around me, the ululating wails punctured by pained grunts and the dull thud of metal on flesh. The sharp stink of fear pervaded the area, the wide, anxious eyes of hunted beasts flutter over every face, seeking pity, even solace, in another's eyes.

This horrible den of insanity. This dungeon of physical trials and tribulations, where friends are pitted against each other in fits of superiority and testosterone addled rage.

That's right, I went to the gym.

So maybe I'm exaggerating a little... sue me.

The point is, working out makes me hungry, but also makes me tired. The problem? When I'm tired I don't feel like cooking, but I'm still hungry.

Do you see the viciousness of this cycle? The irony of my predicament?

It's due to this that I once more stumbled upon what might either be one of mankind's greatest achievements or conversely, worst disasters. While lying on the couch watching ads on the Food Network, I saw...this.

Now some of you might jump right off the bat and condemn it to fiery hell, but slow down there buttercup. Let's think this through a little.

Sure it might be greasier than the greased up deaf guy, with the original having 32 grams of fat and the grilled version having 28, but it has its good points too.

They both pack a whopping ~53 grams of protein, and since it lacks a bun, it also lacks any significant carb content.

Which means it's actually a perfect concept for the high protein, medium fat and low carb ketogenic diets that bodybuilders and basically anyone looking to pack on some muscle follow.

Now I say "concept" primarily because KFC doesn't exactly tell us the amount of additives and other crap they pack into this sandwich. Added to that, the double down has a huge 1380 mg of sodium, nearly your daily recommended intake. It's probably because it has 2 slices of f****** bacon tossed in there as well.

So, while this is a good idea, you probably shouldn't rush to KFC to gulp one down after workouts, since it's still junk food. However, in all fairness, I should point out that at 540 calories (original) and 460 calories (grilled), the double downs actually are a better choice than a big mac, double quarter pounder, or just about any big sandwich on any fast food menu. Hell, the grilled version is actually close to most of McD's supposedly "healthy" salads.

However, being Niron, and therefore awesome, I decided to make my own version of this beast.

Here we have, the gourmet Niron down:

There you have it folks, 2 grilled, seasoned chicken breasts, 1 slice of Monterey Jack and 2 slices of ham. All done on a George Foreman Grill with no added oil or preservatives and a much lower salt content.
Give it a try instead of the actual KFC double down, it'll be much better for you, and to be honest, Antigua doesn't even have them yet, so you'd have to make your own anyway.

If they ever get here thought, they need to have the Code Red version. Definitely. I would totally buy that shit.

[Movie Review] The Losers.

With the recent trend of comic book to movie adaptations, one has learned not to expect much out of such offerings, as they are generally all vapid explosion fests punctuated with quirky one liners .
The Losers fit the bill perfectly.

You start off with a fairly generic revenge-thriller narrative, centered around a group of specialized bad-ass black ops agents, pitted against an eccentric, somewhat disfigured, snappy dressing bad guy. Sound familiar? It should.

There are only about ten thousand more movies with this same basic setup. I mean, G-Force pretty much falls into this category. Inorite?

Despite the fairly predictable plot and occasional logical loopholes, The Losers prove to be pretty damn entertaining. Featuring a list of previously obscure actors, who deliver surprisingly good performances, Sylvain White's directing, and adequate funding in the "blow stuff up" department, The Losers deliver us a good popcorn flick.

Speaking of actors and performances, Cougar (Oscar Jaenada) and Jensen (Chris Evans) pretty much held together the film's "cool" factor by themselves, with Cougar just being the badass mexican-dude-who-shoots-things-and-has-a-f******-cowboy-hat and Jensen being, well, Jensen. That is, an oddly neurotic hacker with the most awesome random t-shirts I've seen in a long time.

On the topic of clothing, Jensen seems to be the only one of the team that regularly changes his threads, with their leader Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) wearing the same goddamn suit for about two consecutive weeks. Despite this, he gets to sleep with Aisha (Zoe Saldana). Where is the justice?

Even though the film is a sequence of action scenes and lackluster exposition, the writers still manage to add one breakaway act with Jensen wittily infiltrating an office building to Journey's "Don't stop believing". I mean, that is just plain awesomesauce.

However, they did lose some street cred by making the inevitability of a sequel so blatant. They didn't even try to hang something off a cliff. Everyone, down to the characters knows there's gonna be a sequel. The villain, Max (Jason Patric), tells us so.

Pros: Well choreographed action scenes; Good performances by the actors; Jensen and Cougar.

Cons: Logical loopholes; Max was just f****** annoying; Generic Plot.

Consensus: 6.5/10 quirky t-shirts. The Losers is definitely worth watching on the big screen, but it's nothing to write home about. It will probably be surpassed by the upcoming A-Team and Expendables and fade into obscurity. I'll try to download a dvdrip just for Jensen's randomness.

Don't stop believing! *raises lighter*

P.S. - I wish to purchase a "Go Petunias" pink t-shirt. Srsly.

-Niron Khan

[Movie Review] Clash of the Titans.

Once every now and then, there is a movie that is perfectly written, has amazing action scenes and features a lineup of realistic characters whose roles are played to perfection. This perfect movie literally blows you away with it's awesome awesomeness, and leaves you in a writhing post orgasmic state.

Clash of the Titans is definitely not that movie.

In fact, if that perfect movie happened to be a person, Clash of the Titans would be its retarded cousin that no one mentions in polite company.

It's pretty hard for me to attempt to give an unbiased review on this movie since it was so god-awfully terribad. Who ever wrote this script should literally be taken out back and shot, their remains hastily disposed of in an unmarked grave, and their identity erased.

I mean, seriously guys? A lobotomized pygmy narwhal could type up a better plot given about three and a half minutes.

Suffice to say, the storyline really really sucked.

In fact, here's a summary in about 10 lines:

Man finds baby in remarkably waterproof wooden coffin; Man raises baby to be fisherman; Hades randomly wtfpwns hero's entire family for no apparent reason whatsoever; Hero refuses to hunt Hades, then changes his mind 10 seconds later; Hero uses a gameshark to obtain mad fighting skills, despite being a fisherman; Davy Jones...I mean Zeus summons the Kraken; Hero sets out on quest with nameless companions; Hero finds magic sword in some petunias; Hero fights a goat man that happens to be his dad; Hero kills big scorpions; Nameless companions all die; Hero pwns snake lady in 2 minutes; Hero gets random magic horse; Hero pwns kraken in 1 minute; Hero pwns Hades in about 5 seconds; Zeus says "Hai"; End.

That's literally it.

Director Louis Leterrier gets no mention because he was obviously asleep, high, or dead during the filming of the entire movie. The actors get no mention, simply because they were f****** terrible.

Pros: You get 3D goggles that you have no use for, since the movie barely has any 3D elements; There were some tits somewhere.

Cons: Plot sucked monkey testicles; Greek hero Perseus had a f****** Australian accent for the entire movie; Nobody else in the movie was worth giving a shit about; Fight sequences were short and crappy; All the gods dressed like robo-fetish sex dolls; Release the Kraken? Really?

Consensus: 2/10 nameless companions. I want my money back. In fact, they should compensate me for having to watch such garbage. I'm realistically tempted to pirate a copy, burn it to DVD, then microwave the sucker.

-Niron Khan.

[Food] Man vs Food: World's Largest Hamburger...ever.

So, today was a typical day in the life of Niron, basically awash with boredom, heat, mosquitos, pointless driving and debates on alternate fuel sources. In essence, about as exciting as a KKK meeting with no black people to lynch. Though, I will admit, the food is pretty good...

Speaking of food, I was channel surfing earlier and something on the Travel Channel caught my eye: an episode of "Man vs Food". Now, even though I like shows about food, I rarely ever watch this show because of how grotesquely unhealthy most of the featured items are. I'm no health freak but most of that shit is like a 42 year old man lurking in a van at a daycare. Bad news bears.

However, on the episode that I was watching, I saw something that done gone and blew my goddamn mind y'all.

This guy decided he would try to eat the world's largest burger, and I was like "That's coo, brah." until I saw the mighty beast itself. It was around 200 pounds of fearsome beastie, you heard me, 200 f****** pounds.

Just look at that meaty titan, 185 lbs of beefy goodness and the equivalent of 10 loaves of bread, topped with about 2 heads of lettuce, 10 onions and another cow's worth of cheese. (and some special mayonnaise, judging by the look on that guy's face)

Now, I'm sure some smartass is gonna say, "Niron, nobody can eat that by themselves!"

We know this. That's why the host had the help of 40 random Detroit citizens in tackling this challenge. Including all the members of Kiss. Wtf.

But get this, even with 41 tubby Americans tackling this monstrosity, they couldn't defeat it.

That isn't too surprising , when you consider that each person would have to eat approximately 5 lbs of burger, which I might add is a f****** lot. They did make it to 160 lbs though, which I suppose is a great enough feat, since they each ate the equivalent of a whole roasted chicken.

Meanwhile, kids are starving in Africa, on my couch, and just about everywhere that isn't America.

In the spirit of fairness, the owners of Mallie's Sports Bar and Grill in Southgate, Michigan do offer this specialty to anyone willing to buy one, all for a measly 500 USD. So you better crack those piggy banks and get some slim fast ready kiddies.

F*** it, I got a date with some donuts and ground beef.

Live long and prosper, bitches.

Wednesday: my nemesis.

Wednesday, justifiably the most unloved of all days. Don't lie.
You know you've never woken up and thought, "Oh joy, it's f****** Wednesday!".
And if you have, then you're probably a child molester.
You sick person. You disgust me.

Now someone may ask where my hatred of Wednesdays comes from, and I would have to proceed to tell them to go f*** themselves, but that wouldn't be constructive, now would it? Suffice it to say that bad things happen on wednesdays, and usually to good people. It may also have something to do with the fact that my calculus assignments are due on wednesdays, and therefore make my entire day a whirling torrent of pain and misery.

Aside from my personal bias against wednesday, it's just generally such a depressing day. Some people bitch about mondays, because they have work or school on monday, but wednesday is smack dab in the middle of the week, which means that you can't even remember the past weekend and the next weekend is still a long way off.Then after wednesday, thursday doesn't seem so bad and friday is the most joyous f****** day ever, filled with giggles and excitement.

Speaking of fridays, I really like baby Goudas. Chewy yet firm, flavorful without being overbearing. Truly a great cheese.

If only subway would include it in their cheese options and stop sticking me with crappy white american.

Who even likes that shit?

Child molesters, that's who.

You know what, f*** you child molesters, I'm going to sleep.

[Movie Review] District 9.

A movie about seafood-like aliens, crazy Afrikaners and Nigerian voodoo, District 9 goes beyond rote storytelling and introduces us to a world where aliens have come to earth, not to invade, but to squat and wear odd things on their heads.

Director Neil Blomkamp opts for a documentary style opening, using video footage and public interviews to reveal the backstory of the plot, while slowly showing the audience how the humans become desensitized to the derogatory and inhumane treatment of the aliens.
In a plot reminiscent of the South African apartheid era, District 9 presents a shocking comparison of the racial segregation and xenophobia that occurred in our own history with the story of Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley) and Christopher Johnson (Jason Cope) as they both try to do what they think is best for their respective people. (Good luck trying to figure out which one is the alien by name alone.)

Awash with gritty imagery, superb storytelling and very believable special effects, District 9 shows us the merits of humanity, friendship, self sacrifice, and the potential use of cat food as currency.

Pros: Well paced plot; excellent special effects; great actors.

Cons: Subtitles are needed for the Afrikaners, cuz f*** me if I can understand a word that they're saying.

Consensus: 8.5/10 cans of Purina pet chow. Good enough to warrant buying the DVD for your collection, or at least pirating a DVD rip and storing it on your HDD.

-Niron Khan

Genesis.

In the beginning, there was a turtle.

And yea, the turtle sayeth unto me, "Send forth my chelonian greetings, oh un-shelled one, so that the rest of your kind may learn my teachings."

Thus burdened, I set out on my quest to spread the tales of the great turtle to all who would hear it and revel in its wisdom. I ventured to many lands and spake unto many peoples.

However, it came to pass that my throat became parched, and I was stricken with a terrible thirst.

It was so intense that I nearly rent my garments in grief. But I was not wont to be overcome by such an obstacle, so with great effort, I set aside the Jade Turtle and got up and walked to the fridge.

There, I drank approximately 10 ounces of water. I quite astutely deduced that it was cold and wet.

It was around this time it occurred to me that I could write a blog. After all, I think of enough weird shit that someone, somewhere, would want to read it. Maybe.

It shall be comprised of many things, from random stuff like the previous paragraph, to reviews and comments on movies, songs, books, food, events and possibly even apricots. (I am convinced that they are sentient.)

Thus, we have this random entry into the blogosphere, detailing the conception of Niron Sequitur.

The pun should be fairly obvious, if it is not, you will be shot summarily.

If you survive, you will be shot again.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

P.S. - Speaking of things and stuff, the word blog amuses me. Blog. Bloooooog. Cootie and the Blooooogfish.