[Food] KFC Double WTF.

Today, I ventured forth into a pit of madness. Piercing shrieks reverberated around me, the ululating wails punctured by pained grunts and the dull thud of metal on flesh. The sharp stink of fear pervaded the area, the wide, anxious eyes of hunted beasts flutter over every face, seeking pity, even solace, in another's eyes.

This horrible den of insanity. This dungeon of physical trials and tribulations, where friends are pitted against each other in fits of superiority and testosterone addled rage.

That's right, I went to the gym.

So maybe I'm exaggerating a little... sue me.

The point is, working out makes me hungry, but also makes me tired. The problem? When I'm tired I don't feel like cooking, but I'm still hungry.

Do you see the viciousness of this cycle? The irony of my predicament?

It's due to this that I once more stumbled upon what might either be one of mankind's greatest achievements or conversely, worst disasters. While lying on the couch watching ads on the Food Network, I saw...this.

Now some of you might jump right off the bat and condemn it to fiery hell, but slow down there buttercup. Let's think this through a little.

Sure it might be greasier than the greased up deaf guy, with the original having 32 grams of fat and the grilled version having 28, but it has its good points too.

They both pack a whopping ~53 grams of protein, and since it lacks a bun, it also lacks any significant carb content.

Which means it's actually a perfect concept for the high protein, medium fat and low carb ketogenic diets that bodybuilders and basically anyone looking to pack on some muscle follow.

Now I say "concept" primarily because KFC doesn't exactly tell us the amount of additives and other crap they pack into this sandwich. Added to that, the double down has a huge 1380 mg of sodium, nearly your daily recommended intake. It's probably because it has 2 slices of f****** bacon tossed in there as well.

So, while this is a good idea, you probably shouldn't rush to KFC to gulp one down after workouts, since it's still junk food. However, in all fairness, I should point out that at 540 calories (original) and 460 calories (grilled), the double downs actually are a better choice than a big mac, double quarter pounder, or just about any big sandwich on any fast food menu. Hell, the grilled version is actually close to most of McD's supposedly "healthy" salads.

However, being Niron, and therefore awesome, I decided to make my own version of this beast.

Here we have, the gourmet Niron down:

There you have it folks, 2 grilled, seasoned chicken breasts, 1 slice of Monterey Jack and 2 slices of ham. All done on a George Foreman Grill with no added oil or preservatives and a much lower salt content.
Give it a try instead of the actual KFC double down, it'll be much better for you, and to be honest, Antigua doesn't even have them yet, so you'd have to make your own anyway.

If they ever get here thought, they need to have the Code Red version. Definitely. I would totally buy that shit.

[Movie Review] The Losers.

With the recent trend of comic book to movie adaptations, one has learned not to expect much out of such offerings, as they are generally all vapid explosion fests punctuated with quirky one liners .
The Losers fit the bill perfectly.

You start off with a fairly generic revenge-thriller narrative, centered around a group of specialized bad-ass black ops agents, pitted against an eccentric, somewhat disfigured, snappy dressing bad guy. Sound familiar? It should.

There are only about ten thousand more movies with this same basic setup. I mean, G-Force pretty much falls into this category. Inorite?

Despite the fairly predictable plot and occasional logical loopholes, The Losers prove to be pretty damn entertaining. Featuring a list of previously obscure actors, who deliver surprisingly good performances, Sylvain White's directing, and adequate funding in the "blow stuff up" department, The Losers deliver us a good popcorn flick.

Speaking of actors and performances, Cougar (Oscar Jaenada) and Jensen (Chris Evans) pretty much held together the film's "cool" factor by themselves, with Cougar just being the badass mexican-dude-who-shoots-things-and-has-a-f******-cowboy-hat and Jensen being, well, Jensen. That is, an oddly neurotic hacker with the most awesome random t-shirts I've seen in a long time.

On the topic of clothing, Jensen seems to be the only one of the team that regularly changes his threads, with their leader Clay (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) wearing the same goddamn suit for about two consecutive weeks. Despite this, he gets to sleep with Aisha (Zoe Saldana). Where is the justice?

Even though the film is a sequence of action scenes and lackluster exposition, the writers still manage to add one breakaway act with Jensen wittily infiltrating an office building to Journey's "Don't stop believing". I mean, that is just plain awesomesauce.

However, they did lose some street cred by making the inevitability of a sequel so blatant. They didn't even try to hang something off a cliff. Everyone, down to the characters knows there's gonna be a sequel. The villain, Max (Jason Patric), tells us so.

Pros: Well choreographed action scenes; Good performances by the actors; Jensen and Cougar.

Cons: Logical loopholes; Max was just f****** annoying; Generic Plot.

Consensus: 6.5/10 quirky t-shirts. The Losers is definitely worth watching on the big screen, but it's nothing to write home about. It will probably be surpassed by the upcoming A-Team and Expendables and fade into obscurity. I'll try to download a dvdrip just for Jensen's randomness.

Don't stop believing! *raises lighter*

P.S. - I wish to purchase a "Go Petunias" pink t-shirt. Srsly.

-Niron Khan

[Movie Review] Clash of the Titans.

Once every now and then, there is a movie that is perfectly written, has amazing action scenes and features a lineup of realistic characters whose roles are played to perfection. This perfect movie literally blows you away with it's awesome awesomeness, and leaves you in a writhing post orgasmic state.

Clash of the Titans is definitely not that movie.

In fact, if that perfect movie happened to be a person, Clash of the Titans would be its retarded cousin that no one mentions in polite company.

It's pretty hard for me to attempt to give an unbiased review on this movie since it was so god-awfully terribad. Who ever wrote this script should literally be taken out back and shot, their remains hastily disposed of in an unmarked grave, and their identity erased.

I mean, seriously guys? A lobotomized pygmy narwhal could type up a better plot given about three and a half minutes.

Suffice to say, the storyline really really sucked.

In fact, here's a summary in about 10 lines:

Man finds baby in remarkably waterproof wooden coffin; Man raises baby to be fisherman; Hades randomly wtfpwns hero's entire family for no apparent reason whatsoever; Hero refuses to hunt Hades, then changes his mind 10 seconds later; Hero uses a gameshark to obtain mad fighting skills, despite being a fisherman; Davy Jones...I mean Zeus summons the Kraken; Hero sets out on quest with nameless companions; Hero finds magic sword in some petunias; Hero fights a goat man that happens to be his dad; Hero kills big scorpions; Nameless companions all die; Hero pwns snake lady in 2 minutes; Hero gets random magic horse; Hero pwns kraken in 1 minute; Hero pwns Hades in about 5 seconds; Zeus says "Hai"; End.

That's literally it.

Director Louis Leterrier gets no mention because he was obviously asleep, high, or dead during the filming of the entire movie. The actors get no mention, simply because they were f****** terrible.

Pros: You get 3D goggles that you have no use for, since the movie barely has any 3D elements; There were some tits somewhere.

Cons: Plot sucked monkey testicles; Greek hero Perseus had a f****** Australian accent for the entire movie; Nobody else in the movie was worth giving a shit about; Fight sequences were short and crappy; All the gods dressed like robo-fetish sex dolls; Release the Kraken? Really?

Consensus: 2/10 nameless companions. I want my money back. In fact, they should compensate me for having to watch such garbage. I'm realistically tempted to pirate a copy, burn it to DVD, then microwave the sucker.

-Niron Khan.

[Food] Man vs Food: World's Largest Hamburger...ever.

So, today was a typical day in the life of Niron, basically awash with boredom, heat, mosquitos, pointless driving and debates on alternate fuel sources. In essence, about as exciting as a KKK meeting with no black people to lynch. Though, I will admit, the food is pretty good...

Speaking of food, I was channel surfing earlier and something on the Travel Channel caught my eye: an episode of "Man vs Food". Now, even though I like shows about food, I rarely ever watch this show because of how grotesquely unhealthy most of the featured items are. I'm no health freak but most of that shit is like a 42 year old man lurking in a van at a daycare. Bad news bears.

However, on the episode that I was watching, I saw something that done gone and blew my goddamn mind y'all.

This guy decided he would try to eat the world's largest burger, and I was like "That's coo, brah." until I saw the mighty beast itself. It was around 200 pounds of fearsome beastie, you heard me, 200 f****** pounds.

Just look at that meaty titan, 185 lbs of beefy goodness and the equivalent of 10 loaves of bread, topped with about 2 heads of lettuce, 10 onions and another cow's worth of cheese. (and some special mayonnaise, judging by the look on that guy's face)

Now, I'm sure some smartass is gonna say, "Niron, nobody can eat that by themselves!"

We know this. That's why the host had the help of 40 random Detroit citizens in tackling this challenge. Including all the members of Kiss. Wtf.

But get this, even with 41 tubby Americans tackling this monstrosity, they couldn't defeat it.

That isn't too surprising , when you consider that each person would have to eat approximately 5 lbs of burger, which I might add is a f****** lot. They did make it to 160 lbs though, which I suppose is a great enough feat, since they each ate the equivalent of a whole roasted chicken.

Meanwhile, kids are starving in Africa, on my couch, and just about everywhere that isn't America.

In the spirit of fairness, the owners of Mallie's Sports Bar and Grill in Southgate, Michigan do offer this specialty to anyone willing to buy one, all for a measly 500 USD. So you better crack those piggy banks and get some slim fast ready kiddies.

F*** it, I got a date with some donuts and ground beef.

Live long and prosper, bitches.

Wednesday: my nemesis.

Wednesday, justifiably the most unloved of all days. Don't lie.
You know you've never woken up and thought, "Oh joy, it's f****** Wednesday!".
And if you have, then you're probably a child molester.
You sick person. You disgust me.

Now someone may ask where my hatred of Wednesdays comes from, and I would have to proceed to tell them to go f*** themselves, but that wouldn't be constructive, now would it? Suffice it to say that bad things happen on wednesdays, and usually to good people. It may also have something to do with the fact that my calculus assignments are due on wednesdays, and therefore make my entire day a whirling torrent of pain and misery.

Aside from my personal bias against wednesday, it's just generally such a depressing day. Some people bitch about mondays, because they have work or school on monday, but wednesday is smack dab in the middle of the week, which means that you can't even remember the past weekend and the next weekend is still a long way off.Then after wednesday, thursday doesn't seem so bad and friday is the most joyous f****** day ever, filled with giggles and excitement.

Speaking of fridays, I really like baby Goudas. Chewy yet firm, flavorful without being overbearing. Truly a great cheese.

If only subway would include it in their cheese options and stop sticking me with crappy white american.

Who even likes that shit?

Child molesters, that's who.

You know what, f*** you child molesters, I'm going to sleep.

[Movie Review] District 9.

A movie about seafood-like aliens, crazy Afrikaners and Nigerian voodoo, District 9 goes beyond rote storytelling and introduces us to a world where aliens have come to earth, not to invade, but to squat and wear odd things on their heads.

Director Neil Blomkamp opts for a documentary style opening, using video footage and public interviews to reveal the backstory of the plot, while slowly showing the audience how the humans become desensitized to the derogatory and inhumane treatment of the aliens.
In a plot reminiscent of the South African apartheid era, District 9 presents a shocking comparison of the racial segregation and xenophobia that occurred in our own history with the story of Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley) and Christopher Johnson (Jason Cope) as they both try to do what they think is best for their respective people. (Good luck trying to figure out which one is the alien by name alone.)

Awash with gritty imagery, superb storytelling and very believable special effects, District 9 shows us the merits of humanity, friendship, self sacrifice, and the potential use of cat food as currency.

Pros: Well paced plot; excellent special effects; great actors.

Cons: Subtitles are needed for the Afrikaners, cuz f*** me if I can understand a word that they're saying.

Consensus: 8.5/10 cans of Purina pet chow. Good enough to warrant buying the DVD for your collection, or at least pirating a DVD rip and storing it on your HDD.

-Niron Khan

Genesis.

In the beginning, there was a turtle.

And yea, the turtle sayeth unto me, "Send forth my chelonian greetings, oh un-shelled one, so that the rest of your kind may learn my teachings."

Thus burdened, I set out on my quest to spread the tales of the great turtle to all who would hear it and revel in its wisdom. I ventured to many lands and spake unto many peoples.

However, it came to pass that my throat became parched, and I was stricken with a terrible thirst.

It was so intense that I nearly rent my garments in grief. But I was not wont to be overcome by such an obstacle, so with great effort, I set aside the Jade Turtle and got up and walked to the fridge.

There, I drank approximately 10 ounces of water. I quite astutely deduced that it was cold and wet.

It was around this time it occurred to me that I could write a blog. After all, I think of enough weird shit that someone, somewhere, would want to read it. Maybe.

It shall be comprised of many things, from random stuff like the previous paragraph, to reviews and comments on movies, songs, books, food, events and possibly even apricots. (I am convinced that they are sentient.)

Thus, we have this random entry into the blogosphere, detailing the conception of Niron Sequitur.

The pun should be fairly obvious, if it is not, you will be shot summarily.

If you survive, you will be shot again.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

P.S. - Speaking of things and stuff, the word blog amuses me. Blog. Bloooooog. Cootie and the Blooooogfish.