[Movie Review] Clash of the Titans.

Once every now and then, there is a movie that is perfectly written, has amazing action scenes and features a lineup of realistic characters whose roles are played to perfection. This perfect movie literally blows you away with it's awesome awesomeness, and leaves you in a writhing post orgasmic state.

Clash of the Titans is definitely not that movie.

In fact, if that perfect movie happened to be a person, Clash of the Titans would be its retarded cousin that no one mentions in polite company.

It's pretty hard for me to attempt to give an unbiased review on this movie since it was so god-awfully terribad. Who ever wrote this script should literally be taken out back and shot, their remains hastily disposed of in an unmarked grave, and their identity erased.

I mean, seriously guys? A lobotomized pygmy narwhal could type up a better plot given about three and a half minutes.

Suffice to say, the storyline really really sucked.

In fact, here's a summary in about 10 lines:

Man finds baby in remarkably waterproof wooden coffin; Man raises baby to be fisherman; Hades randomly wtfpwns hero's entire family for no apparent reason whatsoever; Hero refuses to hunt Hades, then changes his mind 10 seconds later; Hero uses a gameshark to obtain mad fighting skills, despite being a fisherman; Davy Jones...I mean Zeus summons the Kraken; Hero sets out on quest with nameless companions; Hero finds magic sword in some petunias; Hero fights a goat man that happens to be his dad; Hero kills big scorpions; Nameless companions all die; Hero pwns snake lady in 2 minutes; Hero gets random magic horse; Hero pwns kraken in 1 minute; Hero pwns Hades in about 5 seconds; Zeus says "Hai"; End.

That's literally it.

Director Louis Leterrier gets no mention because he was obviously asleep, high, or dead during the filming of the entire movie. The actors get no mention, simply because they were f****** terrible.

Pros: You get 3D goggles that you have no use for, since the movie barely has any 3D elements; There were some tits somewhere.

Cons: Plot sucked monkey testicles; Greek hero Perseus had a f****** Australian accent for the entire movie; Nobody else in the movie was worth giving a shit about; Fight sequences were short and crappy; All the gods dressed like robo-fetish sex dolls; Release the Kraken? Really?

Consensus: 2/10 nameless companions. I want my money back. In fact, they should compensate me for having to watch such garbage. I'm realistically tempted to pirate a copy, burn it to DVD, then microwave the sucker.

-Niron Khan.