Of Batman and Steve Jobs.

Well, the polls are in, and I'd like to thank my hordes of voting fans (all 11 of you) for bothering to waste the ten seconds it takes to pick something. As for the rest of you, you're all a bunch of lazy buggers aren't you?

However, I digress.
The result of the poll was that this post would be entirely random, so I'm not going to assign it a category tag. All identity conflicts that arise from this situation are solely your fault, and I take no responsibility if the post becomes depressed and decides to commit suicide.

With this in mind, I decided that I would talk about Batman. Why, you ask?
Simply because I f****** can. Now, I'm pretty sure most of you lot are well acquainted with Batman, and I can safely say that Batman is, in fact, the greatest "superhero" ever.
Why the quotation marks? Those are because Batman has no superpowers whatsoever and still manages to beat the living f*** out of nearly everything in a 5 mile radius of his current position.
You might try to say that either Superman, Flash or Green Lantern is the greatest superhero ever, but I would have to disagree. They all have some sort of magical cheatcode for being able to connect pwn to face, while Batman is merely a crazy, rich, bored guy with a leather fetish and an almost creepy fondness for flying rodents.

His idiosyncrasy aside, he actually manages to do a better job than most of the powered superheroes. While they have such distracting things as "moral compunction" and "ethics", Batman will simply jump out from behind a dumpster and beat the shit out of you with his bare hands, after which you resign yourself to a quiet life of knitting doilies out of pure, unfiltered shame.

Even when faced with overwhelming odds, fighting Superman for example, Batman will actually use his f****** brain. That's because Batman actually does research on shit, and knows the going rate of kryptonite. Screw heat vision and super-strength when it comes with the downfall of collapsing like a little bitch every time someone shines a supposedly rare piece of rock at you. Rare, my ass. Everyone has kryptonite nowadays, I wouldn't be surprised if they sold aerosol versions of it as "Superman B' Gone" at Wal-Mart.

That leads us to Batman's tool belt, which is probably some sort of pocket dimension, judging from the amount of shit he pulls out of it. Can't fly? Grapling gun. Can't shoot lazers out of your eyes? Bombs and little bat shaped boomerangs. Can't evaporate the blood of the hooker you just killed? Shamwow.
It probably even has an iPod dock and external speakers for when he's listening to the Jonas Brothers on those lonely nights.

Coincidentally, here's a related issue. I've been seeing viruses and spam email trying to entice me with promises of a free iPad. This is, of course, assuming that anyone would even want one of the pieces of rubbish.
I've had a long standing hatred of anything apple, because it's expensive for no reason, does the same shit as everything else, and generally looks five times more homosexual.

In fact, I regard all of Steve Jobs' "offerings to society" with the same suspicion that I would have of a tentacled alien vagina barging into my living room and hungrily demanding that I give it my sperm. I mean, multifunctionality is all well and good, but I don't want anything that can read my books, play my music, tell me how cold my freezer is, and possibly try to give me a vasectomy when I'm not looking.

Furthermore, even if I were remotely inclined to buy the piece of tosh, where the f*** would I put it? It's not exactly pocket sized, and if you say, "Niron you silly bastard, you could put it in a bag!", then you're obviously as cognizant as a laminated rock.
If I wanted something I could put in a bag, I would just walk with a bloody laptop, since it does everything the iPad does, and more, with the exception of the wild gesticulations that make you look like you're f****** mentally retarded.

/fin.