Well now, it's pretty much a scientifically proven fact that video game based movies suck more dick than a polynesian crack whore, and as such, I was predisposed towards hating Prince of Persia before I'd even seen it.
In fact, such was the extent of the discrimination that nobody wanted to go with me to witness this travesty. In the end I went alone, sacrificing myself so that others may know how much this undoubtedly laughable attempt at film-making would gargle testicle.
Surprisingly however, it wasn't that bad. Sure, the storyline resembled the game's about as much as my nutsack resembles Abraham Lincoln, but who wants a word for word adaptation of a video game as a movie? Might as well replay the game so you could at least pause it every time a pair of tits pop up.
One thing that annoyed me from the get go was the star wars rip off in the opening narration. "A long time ago and in a place far, far away" or something along that kettle of fish. Persia really isn't that far away, especially if you're living in the middle east or central Europe. Oh wait, I forgot, Americans think they're the only people that have televisions. My bad...
Now, despite a few of the supposed "A-rabs" looking so goddamn caucasiany, I found the film's cast to be rather believable. Prince Dustbin (Jake Gyllenhaal) was somewhat snarky and slightly angsty but lacked the princey asshole-ishness that had been one of his major personality traits in the video game, which ended up just making him look like a naive daddy's boy for just about the whole f****** movie. It's probably because Gyllenhaal thought he was shooting another Brokeback mountain and forgot to bring his big boy pants.
Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) probably did more than her fair share of keeping the audience entertained with her rebellious antics and tight corset. A corset that was ultimately far too tight, judging by the lack of tits in the movie. Don't get me wrong though, I would string her ukulele any day.
The storyline progressed well enough, despite the somewhat clichéd plot twist that resulted in the Vizier/Uncle being the villian all along and betraying Prince Dustpan in order to go back in time and do something or the other that may or may not have involved cackling evilly. It was such a give away too, I mean, the guy had a bald head, goatee and waxed eyebrows. He was obviously the bad guy. It could only have been more obvious if he wore a neon sign and pranced around handing out leaflets that colourfully illustrated his sinister plot with helpful notes detailing exact methods of execution thoughtfully penned in.
Then, of course, there was the token black guy. You know, that guy who sacrifices himself for the sake of his light skinned comrades so they can wipe a tear from the corner of their collective eye and say "Poor Deshaun, he was such a jolly good bloke, eh wot?" and share a moment of sympathy for the helpful negro.
Despite my nitpicking, I have to admit that I was actually entertained by the movie. Director Mike Newell managed, in my opinion, to maintain a somewhat steady pace and keep the audience interested long enough to stop them embarking on a 4 month journey to the slopes of Tibet in a search for their spirit animal.
Pros: Reminds me of Aladdin; Good Parkour scenes; Good pacing; Decent acting; Decent Action scenes.
Cons: Clichéd and fairly predictable; Lack of tits; Mediocre Special effects; Questionable casting.
Consensus: 6.5/10 Token black guys. Good popcorn flick, while nothing to write home about, at least provides more entertainment that was expected from a video game adaptation. I would probably watch it again and might not mind some sort of sequel. Provided it has tits and possibly llamas.
